Ashes 100-1 Countdown: 6 Days Until the Ashes
Daniel Gray takes a stab at what memorabilia Channel 9 will be flogging this year.
With the sea of voices discussing everything in Australian cricket even remotely Ashes related, there has been one key area where the critics have remained strangely silent. For the good folk at Channel 9, the action on the field may be important, but as anyone who’s watched a Test or two in their life will know, the network sees the matches primarily as a great opportunity to sell overpriced cricket memorabilia.
With the golden age of Australian cricket now behind us, and few momentous accomplishments among the current line-up, I am a bit concerned that Tony and co will have to plumb the depths in order to provide limited edition prints and prop up the network revenue stream for another summer. With that in mind, I have put together a list of quality items for the commentary team to flog this summer.
Before Punter was appointed to the highest office in the country, he was another rough and tumble lad out on the tiles when he wasn’t among the runs. In January 1999, our fearless leader chased the wrong bird and ended up on the tiles, literally. Fronting the media with a black eye the next day was the low point in Ricky’s career at that time, which has of course been surpassed by the 2005 and 2009 Ashes losses to England.
To commemorate the first of many failures in Ricky’s career, Channel Nine is offering 50 lucky viewers a piece of history. The original porterhouse used by Ricky to ice his shiner has been carved up, with each chunk individually numbered and signed by Australia’s captain. This meaty piece of history won’t last long, and at just $750 per chunk it’s sure to sell out fast.
The only thing the public love more than the Australian captain is the vice captain. Right? So opinion polls may show Pup is on the nose, but for one lucky viewer (probably female) we have the chesty Bonds singlet worn by Pup on his return flight from New Zealand earlier this year when he left the tour briefly to deal with some excess baggage.
With original fake tan marks and no damage to the fabric from body hair, this is a collector’s item that will frame the wall in your pool room for years to come. This once in a lifetime item comes in a hot pink frame personally signed by the VC himself. At just $2593 plus postage this is sure to snapped up quickly, so call now.
With the 2010/11 Ashes just days away, what better way to celebrate the spirit of this great series than to commemorate our 2009 loss by purchasing Mitch’s tear stained hankies. Used frequently throughout that memorable series, these hankies are double stitched, softer than silk and wider than necessary, just the way Mitch likes it.
Buy today while Mitch is still in the national team, and celebrate the brief career of our champion fast bowler. Just $450 plus postage, with a payment plan available for those lower income earners out there.
While the English may have a clear advantage in the spin department, the Aussie incumbent has a collection of compromising photographs of the Australian selectors to put Graeme Swann to shame. For the first time, Channel Nine is proud to present gold-framed shots from this rare collection, each personally chosen by Nathan Hauritz himself. No detail has been spared, with a plaque attached to each frame listing which Test match Nathan held his place for after bribing the selector in the shot, and Nathan’s bowling figures in that match.
The first five callers will also receive a copy of the new DVD, ‘From Rags to Rags’, in which Nathan outlines his rise from mediocrity at state level to mediocrity at international level. A great gift for Dad this Christmas! Price varies depends on cricket ability. If you are a future star, pricing starts at $2000 per photo. For members of the general public, the whole collection can be yours for just $9732, with express courier delivery included in the price. You will also receive a personal phone call from Andrew Hilditch, and a place in the next extended Australian Test squad announced later this summer.
So as you can see, despite the cloud currently hanging over our national side, the good folks at Channel Nine will be offering quality merchandise to the general public this summer. Call now to avoid disappointment!
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