SBL: Spectators Boring League – The Doyens of Doggedness

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rhavi-shastriClose on the heels of a failed attempt to create a SPL(Southern Premier League) a few businessmen including Lulllover Moody have seized the opportunity to create a SBL(Spectators Boring League) consisting of the giants of grafting and leviathans of laziness among past and current cricketers. A few current and former players have been approached by the managament, reliable sources report.

The bidding process is scheduled for late July, and some bids have been leaked from the confidential mails sent by the franchise representatives to the league promoters. The highest bid was for Ravi Shastri, who can bat, bowl, field, talk and advise others(some multitasking, that!). The bid amount was sufficiently more than expected, at 12 pounds and 6 pence. The breakup was: 2 pence each for batting, bowling and fielding and 12 pounds for keeping mum. There are quite a few other prominent names

Geoff Boycott:

Chosen for his ability to stay at the crease for a whole month and yet score less than a run an hour. So the organizers are trying to lure the old gentleman by offering him the staggering fee of 1 pence for every hour at the crease, on top of the 10 shillings contract fee.

Geoff Marsh:

Approached in the hope that his son’s IPL success may rub off on him and his doggedness too. “He was once a very good batsman, and we hope that he can better his scoring pace and score at least a run every session. But we sure know that he can learn a few things from the current Aussie team and stir up controversies and gain some media coverage.” He has been offered 12 pence for his participation and 3 pounds for learning new tricks for gaining media coverage.

Sunil Gavaskar:

Among the opening batsmen approached, he was chosen specifically for an innnings that could put a sheep to sleep whence he scored a jaw dropping 36 runs off 154 balls in an one day game, where at least four times that speed is mandatory these days. He has also been offered permission to write newspaper columns, keeping in mind a situation where he had to relinquish a post due to his media commitments. He was offered a pound apiece for his cricket and media coverage and 2 pounds for keeping his ICL contracted son away from the SBL. His commission is the same as Boycott, a pence every day at the crease.

Marvan Attapattu:

A stalwart in the Sri Lankan top order once, he could score 10 runs when the score was 200 without loss. He can also intimidate the quicker bowlers by shaping for a Jayasuriya cut but leaving the ball at the last moment. He’s being offered 3 pounds: 1 for his batting and 2 for boring out the bowlers so they do not bowl anywhere close to his bat.

Ashley Giles:

Offered the pauperly sum of 6 shilling to prevent the batsmen from scoring when they go out of their minds and think about letting willow meet leather. Also he can soften a stiff bottom by dishing out cherry massages, like he did to Sachin Tendulkar. On that occassion he could have tried Sachin’s elbow and qualified to become a sports physician. Nonetheless, he has been offered 2 pounds for his marvellous massaging services.

Rahul Dravid:

The only IPL player to be offered an SBL contract, primarily for his ability to frustrate fast bowlers who hustle a 100 yards by placing the ball on his feet, giving them 40 more yards of misery. Another reason is his legion of female fans, so that he can be a crowd puller, pulling all ladies who are older than 70 to cricket. Has been offered the second highest contract, of 10 pounds.

‘Bapu’ Nadkarni:

He was chosen for his inability to concede runs, as also the ability to bowl a week of maidens without harming the batsman. He has been offered a penny every 10 maiden overs, and a pound on top of it, becoming the highest paid spinner in the annals of the SBL.

The organizing committee have asked the ICC to conduct as many international matches as the players can play during the SBL. This is to ensure that no windows need to be open and avoids shutting the doors on SBL contracted players. The initial auction is to be held at the office of the Communist Party of China to make sure no one can snoop and leak the proceedings. Websites are specifically banned from covering the event, although WCW have haggled and got the permission of the organizers and graciously agree not to say another word about this league, which avoids spectators for reasons unknown.

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